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Sex with vegetables

In a bid to stem the rising tide of hospital admissions among young women, The Government today announced its intention to slap health warnings on 'phallic-shaped' vegetables and Fruity 'sex toys'

"We are right behind the Government on this one," a bubbly, 37-year-old spokestypewoman for Tesco—Britain's leading supermarket chain—told Utterpants breathlessly. "Our stores are no longer prepared to turn a blind eye to the shocking abuse of vegetables by a sick minority of depraved women."

Among the list of unsavoury produce on the Government’s hit list are courgettes, cucumbers, bananas, carrots and squashes, which will have to carry a Goverment Health warning that: 'improper use is liable to corrupt and deprave, and may lead to surgical intervention'. But that is just the thin edge of an extremely wide veg—or, wedge, as UK Minister for Sexual Health, Dr Frank Carrott, was at pains to point out to our researcher. "Only last week," the bespectacled women's health campaigner told us, "I saw a woman in my local Waitrose casually put a phallic-shaped butternut squash, a tub of marge and a packet of King Size condoms on the conveyor. Now what sort of example does that set to my two teenage daughters?"

"Well, at least she's practising safe sex," we commented. "That's as maybe," snorted Dr Carrott. "My proposed new Vegetable Abuse Bill will soon wipe the grin off the filthy slut's face." "Bill?" "Yes, If my legislation is passed the sale of these and other disgusting vegetable 'sex toys' will be restricted to married women over 65." "Won't that rather undermine the Government's initiative to get the public eating more healthily?" "We're not completely naïve, you know," bristled the Minister. "Pre-packaged, fresh, diced vegetables will be unaffected by the ban. As will tinned carrots and pickled cucumbers. Let's see the filthy sluts try to masturbate with those!"

Consumer watchdog, WhatVeg? were quick to pounce on the new health warnings, claiming that "this is a cynical move to drive up the price of fruit and veg ahead of the Minister's proposed new legislation." A short, fat bloke carrying a sack of spuds in Covent Garden was bitter about the ban: "Supermarkets have gone bananas. This will only drive these desperate women onto the Black Market. In some parts of London butternut squashes are already changing hands at up to twenty quid each and you can't get your hands on a courgette for love nor money."

Digging up the dirt In an attempt to get to the bottom of this shocking tide of vegetable abuse, we commissioned a survey by the respected public relations company, Piers, Morgan & Maxwell. Almost three-quarters of the men who responded said they support a ban on vegetables as a way to reduce lesbianism and improve their marital relationships.

"Since my wife turned veggie I'm lucky to get a shag once a month," complained Arthur Scutbucket (48). "I mean, it's not as if I can stop her buying carrots, is it?" Some 72% of respondents said bananas, cucumbers and okra— ominously known as 'Lady's Fingers'—should be banned outright, while 65% of men said that courgettes should carry a government health warning. Surprisingly, more than two thirds of those surveyed (64%) said that school pupils should be taught to eat more meat to discourage them from having sex with vegetables. The full results of our groundbreaking survey will be presented to the Department of Health, which leaked details of its proposed new legislation earlier this month.

Larry Lamb, of the anti-vegetable charity MoreMeat, said: "Your poll clearly shows that the public is demanding action to end these sick practices. The veggie-lovers have had it their own way for far too long. It is time decent British women stood up for the right to enjoy a big, meaty sausage at home and in the workplace. This is the single most effective thing the Government can do to slash Accident and Emergency hospital bills and protect our young women from the evils of self-abuse."

"There should be restrictions on the marketing of vegetables to children through television and other media," added a concerned mother, whose sixteen-year-old daughter, Sharon, recently underwent an uncomfortable surgical procedure to remove two leeks and half a cucumber from her furry front bottom.

Peeling aside the seamy underbelly of Vegetable abuse "How would you like to be shoved up some dark, smelly alley, repeatedly beaten and then casually tossed aside?" complained one aggrieved greengrocer who asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals by his vegetable-loving, female customers. "Veggie sex is a disease just like alcoholism. These people are sick and need help," commented a Mr Ibrahim Bhindi of the Purley Halal Butchers Association.

Our researcher was appalled by what she dug up on the Internet. Not only are there thousands of porn sites depicting the most graphic acts of vegetable abuse, but respectable organisations are shamelessly promoting this unnatural vice. The official website of the UK Vegetarian Association gets straight down to business with the titillating headline: 'Forget the sex therapist—visit the greengrocer'. But there's worse to come.

The site blatantly describes asparagus as 'an erotic shaped vegetable' and goes on to reveal that Avocado was known to the Aztecs as 'ahucatl'—which our researcher discovered means 'testicle'. The innocent carrot is described as 'a particularly effective aphrodisiac' and celery as 'arousing'. The only concession to outraged public decency is a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the web page which reads: 'The UK Vegetarian Association cannot be held responsible for the activities resulting from the use of these vegetables.'

"This is a bit like British-American Tobacco saying that they won't be held responsible for the activity resulting from lighting up a fag," commented Dr Carrott. "I mean—it's not as if anyone's going to actually eat these vegetables after these filthy sluts have finished with them, are they?"

The UK Vegetarian Association website goes on to reveal that 34% of vegetarians find ultimate satisfaction in the succulent delights of a big, juicy squash and 24% regularly enjoy an extra large courgette with a little sauce on the side. We were equally shocked to find that 20% of women had savoured the delights of 'knobbly' okra and more than 37% regularly took carrots to work with them. Utterpants was horrified to discover that leading celebrities are actively encouraging women to have sex with vegetables—and we don't mean their couch-potato husbands. American Porn Star, Tara Reid, makes no secret of her love affair with the leek while Britney Spears is apparently 'mad for purple-tipped asparagus.'

When we contacted the UK Vegetarian Association for their comments, an angry spokestypeperson told us defensively: "Every woman does it. From teenagers to grandmothers. Our members include mothers with babies, as well as lawyers and accountants, and they're very popular with couples. Remember these are just playthings to the sophisticated, modern woman—like the toys you had as a child, only these are playthings for adults."

"Tell that to the junior doctor who has to go in there and clean up the mess these irresponsible women make," we retorted. "Women have a complicated sexual response," snapped the spokestypeperson. "It can take a long time for a woman to orgasm. Playing with a knobbly vegetable is a lot more satisfying than a quick poke with a limp pork sausage."

With entrenched attitudes such as these, Utterpants can only applaud Tesco's initiative to root out vegetable sex and commend the Minister for Sexual Health for his timely and responsible action.

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Chinese men smoke cigarettes, have bad teeth, and a small dick; African men have pimples, diabetes, and a soft dick; but we are most civilized and have a big dick.

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Are you after a 'designer vagina'? After reading this definitive guide on the procedures and risks you may change your mind

Cosmetic surgery has become fairly commonplace, but perhaps surprisingly, an increasing number of women are seeking perfection to their intimate area.

Although so-called 'designer vaginas' are often blamed on pornography, some women claim they are unable to enjoy sex since having children, fueling their desire to have the risky procedures.

Yet, Dr Gabrielle Downey, gynaecologist at Birmingham City Hospital, warns these procedures are not available on the NHS and can be expensive, therefore women should be aware of what's involved before making the drastic decision.

Importantly, Dr Downey stresses the importance of ensuring your chosen clinic is safe and your surgeon informs you of all the potential risks.

Here, in a piece for Healthista, she explains your options and what to expect.

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Feminism, by creating artificial scarcity of sexual resources, is responsible for much of the deadly infighting among men, as well as male suicides.

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Queensland votes to equalise age of consent for all sexual acts

16 September 2016 - The Guardian

The age of consent for all sexual acts in Queensland will be standardised at 16 after the state’s parliament voted to lower the age of consent for anal sex from 18.

The criminal code will also be amended to replace references to “sodomy” with “anal intercourse” after the Queensland Aids Council said the former term had connotations of outdated laws and moral standards.

Queensland is the only state in Australia to have different legal ages of consent for anal and vaginal sex.

The health minister, Cameron Dick, said the amendments were aimed at improving sexual health.

“Too often the conversation about the age of consent has focused on morality and, worse still, on criminality,” he told parliament. “[With these amendments] we remove a discriminatory provision from our statute books and support the sexual health and wellbeing of young Queenslanders.”

The Liberal National party did not oppose the changes but expressed concerns about how young people would be educated about them.

“We do need certainty and clarity from the government as to how it will educate the 16 to 17-year-old cohort around these changes,” the opposition’s health spokesman, John-Paul Langbroek, said.

But the federal LNP Queensland backbencher George Christensen said on Facebook the change in the law opened the way for 16-year-olds to be “groomed” by much older men.

The Queensland Aids Council’s executive director, Michael Scott, welcomed the change, saying an unequal age of consent had been a barrier to equal access to healthcare.

“We are concerned that, with the current inequality of age of consent, young people who are sexually active are reluctant to access sexual health services including HIV and other STI testing and preventative health education for fear of being prosecuted,” he said.

--- You have to understand the mentality of Hong Kong businessmen. They exploit their workers harshly, trick their suppliers when they lower their guard, cheat their customers on every occasion, and then spend their earnings on prostitutes

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New Braunfels man with history of 'deviant' sex acts with vegetables sentenced to life in prison

Charles Ransier had an abnormal history with vegetables, according to authorities. A Comal County jury sentenced the 56-year-old New Braunfels man to life in prison Wednesday on charges of drug possession and tampering with evidence after a Texas state trooper found him sitting in his truck with melted candle wax on his bare chest and a collection of meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, lube, children's clothing and a cooler of frozen cucumbers with him. RELATED: 20-year-old driver indicted in Uvalde church bus crash that killed 13 When the trooper found him on March 23, 2015, along Interstate 35, Ransier had a syringe in his hand and was trying to break the end off of it, according to the Comal County District Attorney's Office.

Ransier refused to comply with the trooper's command to stop, and a struggle ensued, a video of which was presented as evidence during Ransier's trial. The trooper eventually placed Ransier in handcuffs and recovered the broken syringe, which tested positive for methamphetamine. But "the rest of the story" was also presented to the jury during Ransier's trial. After Ransier was detained, troopers searched his pickup truck and found a mishmash of startling items: Barbie dolls, candy, children's clothing, balloons, baby oil, Viagra, Extenze male enhancement pills, duct tape, rope and a cooler with frozen cucumbers inside. Further investigation revealed it was not the first time Ransier had been caught less than fully clothed with vegetables in tow. On Nov. 10, 2012, a Comal County deputy found him naked inside his truck. Ransier admitted to the deputy he had been engaged in a "deviant sex act involving a squash," according to the district attorney's office.

New Braunfels man with history of 'deviant' sex acts with vegetables sentenced to life in prison By Caleb Downs, mySA.com / San Antonio Express-News Updated 12:31 pm, Thursday, June 29, 2017 40 Charles Ransier, a 56-year-old New Braunfels man, was sentenced to life in prison Wednesday on a charge of tampering with evidence after he tried to break a meth-filled syringe before a state trooper found it

Charles Ransier had an abnormal history with vegetables, according to authorities. A Comal County jury sentenced the 56-year-old New Braunfels man to life in prison Wednesday on charges of drug possession and tampering with evidence after a Texas state trooper found him sitting in his truck with melted candle wax on his bare chest and a collection of meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, lube, children's clothing and a cooler of frozen cucumbers with him. RELATED: 20-year-old driver indicted in Uvalde church bus crash that killed 13 When the trooper found him on March 23, 2015, along Interstate 35, Ransier had a syringe in his hand and was trying to break the end off of it, according to the Comal County District Attorney's Office.

Texas man caught covered in wax with veggies used for sex, sentenced to life in prison Media: jmscott@mysa.com / mysanantonio.com Ransier refused to comply with the trooper's command to stop, and a struggle ensued, a video of which was presented as evidence during Ransier's trial. The trooper eventually placed Ransier in handcuffs and recovered the broken syringe, which tested positive for methamphetamine. But "the rest of the story" was also presented to the jury during Ransier's trial. After Ransier was detained, troopers searched his pickup truck and found a mishmash of startling items: Barbie dolls, candy, children's clothing, balloons, baby oil, Viagra, Extenze male enhancement pills, duct tape, rope and a cooler with frozen cucumbers inside. Further investigation revealed it was not the first time Ransier had been caught less than fully clothed with vegetables in tow. On Nov. 10, 2012, a Comal County deputy found him naked inside his truck. Ransier admitted to the deputy he had been engaged in a "deviant sex act involving a squash," according to the district attorney's office.

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Many men who are good in making money are total failures when it comes to spending it. If you have money, buy love, and the best sex ever. Because having the best sex ever not only is satisfaction, but also generates your immortal soul. See Kreutz Religion.

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IS could smuggle mustard gas to Europe: report

The Islamic State (IS) terror group is in possession of deadly mustard gas stockpiles and could smuggle it out of Syria to target Europe, according to a media report.

The IS is behind a spate of mustard gas attacks in Syria and may have enough of the killer substance to slaughter tens of thousands, The Daily Mirror reported.

The network may have access to 20 tonnes of the evil weapon and could smuggle it out of Syria and into Europe, a leading expert in chemical warfare has warned.

Evidence

“Evidence points to the IS behind the attacks and there could be more. There is evidence they used mustard gas, either stolen by IS from [Syrian President Bashar] Assad or — and this is a real game-changer — IS made it themselves,” Col (retd.) Hamish de Bretton-Gordon said.

“This is horrific and the West must act to stop IS now because the threat from them just became much greater and they could take huge areas they have not conquered before,” he told the daily.

Recipe on the ‘dark web’

He warned that ISIS could smuggle mustard gas to attack Europe after finding a recipe on the ‘dark web’ — the murky and secretive area of the Internet used by crooks.

“It is not easy to make mustard gas but it is possible and a lone wolf could get the information off the Internet and dark web. If you tried to buy the precursors in the U.K. or U.S. you would most likely be picked up,” Col. Bretton-Gordon said.

‘It is imminent’

“Could IS move mustard gas out of the Syria/Iraq theatre of war? That is the real issue I expect,” he said.

Scores have died from chemical attacks in both Syria and Iraq in recent weeks and at the weekend IS launched another suspected mustard gas attack.

Col de Bretton-Gordon, who advises NGOs throughout Syria and elsewhere in the world, said, “The West is running out of time to do something about IS. We must act now.”

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It is the secret dream of every Swedish or German woman to marry a black men, or at least have sex with a black man. Every smart young African man should migrate to Europe. Free money, nice house, good sex!

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Unchecked immigration will destroy Europe and the U.S.

Back when I was in school, I performed a scientific experiment in which I poured a liquid of one color into a beaker that contained liquid of a different color. At first the liquid in the beaker was diluted, but as I kept pouring, the poured liquid eventually overtook the liquid in the beaker, creating an entirely new substance.

That's what is happening in Europe as thousands of migrants flee their home countries, seeking refuge in the European Union. Germany, alone, is expected to have received 800,000 migrants by the end of the year, four times last year's number.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has suspended the EU's Dublin Regulation for Syrian migrants. Under the rule, writes The Telegraph, "...migrants can only apply for asylum in the first EU member state they enter, and face deportation if they try to apply in another. But Germany ... has now ordered its officers to process applications from Syrians even if they have made their way through other EU countries."

Critics of the Dublin Regulation have called it expensive and ineffective. Many Syrian migrants reach Greece first, but decline to seek asylum there, preferring to push on toward Hungary, which is considered the gateway to Europe. Merkel has said she might reinstate border checks, which was a regular practice before the EU was created. She should.

That most of these migrants come from Muslim countries raises several important questions. The first is how many actual or potential terrorists are among them? Second, why would Muslims, many of whom believe the West is decadent and anti-God, want to come toEurope? Third, why haven't these migrants sought refuge in other Muslim countries, which one might think would be their first priority?

No nation, no continent, can survive uncontrolled immigration, especially when it involves people whose language, religion, culture and worldview differ -- in some cases radically -- from the countries to which they are migrating. Uncontrolled migration in Europe and illegal immigration in the United States spell an eventual death knell for both countries, which is, no doubt, the intent of ISIS, which is reportedly backing this flood of humanity. Will those flooding Europe eventually embrace European values, or when their numbers grow to the point where they form a significant percentage of the population, will the migrants demand that their values and religion dominate?

In the U.S., cries of "racism" in the immigration debate have replaced sound reason. But this isn't about discriminating against people of a different language or color; it is about preserving what we have, not only for those of us who have contributed to making America what it is, but also for immigrants who would not only like to partake of our success, but contribute to it. If nations want to preserve the lifestyles and culture which they and their forebears have worked and fought to create and sustain for themselves, their posterity and for immigrants, borders must be controlled and assimilation must be a top priority for those who are allowed to enter. Otherwise, nations become disunited with competing subsets jostling for power, influence and benefits.

Those who support "open borders" have an obligation to tell us when enough is enough. Must we wait until the American "liquid," which contains the values, faith and prosperity from capitalism that built and sustained us through wars and depressions, is replaced by a different "liquid"? What happens when the "takers" outnumber the "makers"? If we wait for that day to arrive before we act, it will be too late.

Yes, give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free -- but legally, in an orderly fashion and not en masse. And let's also learn what these migrants and immigrants likely mean by "freedom." If they mean Sharia law, that is not freedom for Europe, or for America.

If the EU and the U.S. fail to address this very real crisis, we and they are assisting in national suicide.

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The Serge Kreutz diet is the world's only diet supported by the international food industry because it tells you this: if you want to be slim, consume more food. Nestle, Pepsi, and Van Houten are happy. And all the farmers.

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Female Circumcision as Sexual Therapy: The Past and Future of Plastic Surgery?

In Chicago, a physician with offices on Michigan Avenue offers clitoral unhooding today for $1,000 (plus operating room fees). His intention? To more easily enable a woman to reach orgasm. Clitoral unhooding falls under the larger category of female genital cosmetic surgeries (FGCS), surgeries that are reportedly becoming more popular among women and physicians. Some physicians, even those who don’t perform FGCS, see them as part of the future of plastic surgery.

The assumption is that these surgeries don’t have much of a past. In fact, there is a long history of surgeries on female genitals—especially on the clitoris—as “sexual enhancement” for women, designed to help them achieve their “proper role” as sexual partners. Over a century ago, another Chicago physician also removed clitoral hoods of women, also as therapy to enable them easier orgasms. The use of female circumcision since the late 1800s to treat a woman’s lack of orgasm reveals a medical understanding of the function of the clitoris as sexual­—an understanding held decades prior to the physiological evidence supplied by William Masters and Virginia Johnson.

Understanding the sexual nature of the clitoris and its importance to female sexual pleasure, some physicians have, for well over a century, diagnosed a condition of the clitoris as the physiological cause for a woman’s failure to have an orgasm with her husband. These physicians thus treated the lack of an orgasm in the marital bed as a sexual disorder treatable through surgery.

By removing the clitoral foreskin, some physicians (as well as non-physicians) thought the clitoris would be more exposed to the penis during penetrative intercourse, and would thus receive direct stimulation from the penis. Physicians performed—and some women or their spouses sought out—female circumcision in order to maintain (or conform to) the sexual behavior deemed culturally appropriate for white, U.S.-born, middle- to upper-class women: orgasm with their husbands.

In the United States, the first documented use of female circumcision as a sexual enhancement therapy occurred in the late 19th century, appearing at a time when the espousal of female orgasm during marital sex was increasingly seen as an important component for a healthy marriage. Physicians performed female circumcision to help married women who wanted—or whose husbands wanted their wives to have—orgasms during martial sex.

Practitioners who removed clitoral hoods to enable female orgasm included Chicago gynecologist Denslow Lewis, who presented evidence for the benefits of female circumcision at a meeting of the American Medical Association in 1899. In “a large percentage” of women who failed to find marital passion “there is a preputial adhesion, and a judicious circumcision, together with consistent advice, will often be successful,” according to Lewis. Lewis had treated 38 women with circumcision, and had “reasonably satisfactory results in each instance.”

This procedure continued to be used to treat women for their inability to orgasm throughout the 20th century. In 1900, Chicago gynecologist A.S. Waiss wrote about removing the clitoral hood of Mrs. R., a 27-year-old woman who had been married for seven years and who was “absolutely passionless,” something that greatly upset her. Her unresponsiveness troubled her, or her husband, enough for her to seek a medical remedy. The doctor found Mrs. R.’s clitoris “entirely covered” by its hood. He circumcised the clitoris and the patient “became a different woman”—she was, the doctor wrote, “lively, contented,” and “happy,” and sex now brought her satisfaction.

In 1912, Douglas H. Stewart in New York City saw a “fairly robust woman” who, though desirous for sexual intercourse, when the act was attempted found “there ‘was nothing in it.’” Upon examination, Stewart found the clitoris of the patient to be “buried” and preceded to circumcise the woman to reveal the organ.

Charles Lane, a physician in Poughkeepsie, New York, believed the clitoris “a very important organ to the health and happiness of the female,” and performed circumcision on women who were unable to reach orgasm. In a 1940 article concerning his use of circumcision on a patient—Mrs. W., a 22-year-old woman who had recently married but had yet to experience an orgasm—Lane noted “that little trick did it all right.”

And C.F. McDonald, a physician in Milwaukee, noted in a 1958 article that women who complained to him of difficult or painful intercourse often had a clitoris hidden by foreskin. To reveal the organ, he removed the foreskin, with “very thankful patients” as the reward. McDonald operated in the 1950s—during the height of the Freudian vaginal orgasm theory, a theory that held healthy and mature adult women had vaginal, not clitoral, orgasms—suggesting clitoral circumcision as sexual therapy did not stop; indeed, by some accounts, more women underwent circumcision at mid-century to surgically increase the potential for orgasm than at any earlier time.

Physicians, both in print and at medical society meetings, discussed that “little trick” for decades. By the 1970s, information about the usefulness of female circumcision to enable female orgasm during penetrative, heterosexual sex began to appear with more regularity in popular publications as well, with information about the surgery as a sexual enhancement appearing in books such as The Consumer’s Guide to Successful Surgery.

Magazines, too, including Playgirl and Playboy, ran stories about female circumcision. Playgirl carried two stories by Catherine Kellison, who wrote about her circumcision and how orgasms were easier for her to attain after the surgery. The gynecologist who removed her clitoral hood told Kellison that an estimated three-fourths of women did not reach orgasm because of a hooded clitoris, and that circumcision was the surgical solution to this condition. The doctor told Kellison that she would likely benefit from having her clitoral hood removed, and, after undergoing the procedure, Kellison wrote that she did find orgasms easier to attain following the surgery.

While estimating how many American women underwent female circumcision since the late 19th century is not possible—it was a quick procedure, most often performed by physicians in their clinics—evidence of its use can be found indirectly through insurance reimbursement for it.

In May 1977 the insurance company Blue Shield Association recommended that its individual plans stop routine payments for 28 surgical and diagnostic procedures considered outmoded or unnecessary. Of the 28, one was removing the hood of the clitoris. While this information is not translatable into an actual estimate of how many women elected to have their clitorises circumcised, it suggests the procedure was at least popular enough to warrant the discontinuation of paying for it by an insurance company.

In addition to Blue Shield Association, others have labeled the procedure as not medically indicated, with some being even more critical of the assumptions underlying the use of it as therapy to treat a lack of female orgasm. Feminists interested in women’s health began questioning female circumcision as a surgery for purported sexual enhancement in the 1970s as part of their larger critique of the medicalization of the female body and the feminist embrace of the clitoris as an important sexual organ for women.

More recently, women’s health activists with the New View Campaign in the United States protested practitioners of FGCS and launched a website to educate the public about the diversity of female genitals.

Similar to the New View Campaign, both the popular media and academics have weighed in on what the apparent “rise” in these surgeries means about the female body, female sexuality, and the role of medicine. Some academics have further challenged these procedures for the lack of evidence that such surgeries increase female sexual capacity and that women should feel the need to correct their bodies in order to enjoy sex rather than to, for example, change sexual positions or techniques.

In addition to academics and feminist activists questioning the procedures, medical practitioners have also raised concerns about the lack of established medical need for clitoral unhooding and that there is no evidence that female circumcision, along with the other procedures comprising FGCS, are safe. Indeed, in 2007, the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology recommended practitioners not perform female circumcision or other FGCS, since the promotion of FGCS as sexually enhancing was not based on empirical evidence, nor were the surgeries medically indicated.

But while feminists and some medical practitioners since the 1970s have been publicly questioning the physiological basis for female circumcision as a sexual enhancement surgery, the surgery today, like a century ago, continues to be performed as an effort to enable women to have a clitoral orgasm during penetrative sex.

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To understand life, you first have to understand death. This is why we include images of death. The best we can hope for, is that death will be comfortable.

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