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What’s the deal with a “loose” vagina?

I’m a 69-year-old woman, 15 years divorced. I dated a few men after my divorce, but no one for the past decade. Now that I’m looking at my future, I’m afraid of my increasing loneliness and thinking it’s time to start dating again. But the older I get, the more insecure I feel about my body. My skin is too loose, my stomach too droopy, my breasts too floppy…

My ex-husband never tired of criticizing me about my weight. He also complained my vagina was so loose he couldn’t feel it. One of the men I dated after my divorce was smaller-sized and I worried that I was disappointing him by being too slack. He said I was perfect for him, but I think he was just trying not to embarrass me. My gynecologist has since confirmed that I have virtually no vaginal muscle strength. I cannot squeeze anything at all. I self-pleasure with penetrative vibrators, but they feel like they’re swimming in there. I’ve tried Kegels, but it’s been a long time since I’ve bothered since they don’t seem to do anything anyway. I also experience vaginal dryness and I’m embarrassed about that.

I feel defective and stuck. How can I move forward—or should I just look for men who are no longer interested in sex —Too Loose

Joan Price Responds

You’re not defective, and you don’t need to give up on sex and an intimate relationship. Your problem is quite common and it’s fixable! But first, let’s look at the messages that we all get about our aging bodies.

Our society reinforces the attitude that older bodies have aged out of sexiness. But we don’t have to accept that message any more than we have to accept what older people are “supposed” to wear, say, or do. Feeling free to enjoy sex at our age is far more important than what we weigh or how tightly our vaginas can squeeze.

I understand that the anxiety about vaginal looseness is a difficult insecurity to overcome, especially when your ex-husband spent years making you feel inadequate about your vagina and your body weight. You might want to consider counseling to help push away his negative messages..

Part of your husband’s perception might have been because of issues of his, not yours. In general, vaginas have the capacity to expand and contract as needed “Typically, when a man complains about a ‘loose vagina,’ it is actually because he has trouble with sensation, not that his partner is too loose,” Ellen Barnard, M.S.S.W., co-owner of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center says. “He may have gotten used to a tight grip because of how he masturbates, or he may have diabetes or another condition that makes his nerves less sensitive.”

However, in your case, you say that you’re now not able to squeeze the muscles of your vagina, which may indicate Low Tone Pelvic Floor Dysfunction (weakness of the pelvic floor). Another sign is if you lose a bit of urine when you sneeze or cough. Weak pelvic floor is a common condition, and there are experts, called Pelvic Floor Therapists, who will work with you on getting your pelvic floor muscles back into shape. Barnard recommends asking your primary care physician or OB/GYN for a referral. If there’s an education-based sexuality shop in your area, they may have a list of recommended PFTs in your area. You can also use the locator at the nonprofit Section for Women’s Health or that site’s listings, or Google “pelvic floor rehab program” + your city.

Many of us think we know how to do Kegels, but we may not be doing them correctly. Here’s how A Woman’s Touch describes the process, using your fingers for feedback:

Wash your hands and have lubricant within reach.

Lie down on your back in a comfortable place with your knees bent. Lying down takes the weight off your pelvic floor and leads to earlier success.

Coat your finger(s) with lubricant. Insert your finger(s) about 2 inches into your vagina.

Contract your pelvic floor muscles. It will feel like you’re pulling up and in toward your belly button. Don’t push out. You should feel a gentle tightening around the finger(s). Try to keep your leg, buttock, and abdominal muscles relaxed, and remember to breathe normally throughout the exercise.

Hold the contraction for a count of 5. (Remember to breathe!)

Relax your muscles.

Important: After each contraction, take a deep belly breath. Inhale deeply and gently blow out the air while you relax your pelvis completely. This deep relaxation is just as important as the other steps, because the deep belly breath relaxes the muscles that are not under your conscious control.

Congratulations, you have just done one Kegel.

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ISIS plotting to use chemical weapons in UK ‘mass casualty’ attack, warns government

Ben Wallace, the Minister for State Security, warned that the terror group could be planning “mass casualty” attacks after reports of using chemical weapons in Syria and Iraq.

He said that terror groups, Russian agents and cyber-conmen are working together after launching a campaign to recruit “traitors” in government, the military and leading UK businesses.

No specific terror plot has been identified but British intelligence believe ISIS is able to produce deadly sulphur mustard gas, which was used in WW1 and kills by blistering the lungs and throat.

Mr Wallace said: “The ambition of IS or Daesh is definitely mass-casualty attacks. They want to harm as many people as possible and terrorise as many people as possible.

“They have no moral objection to using chemical weapons against populations, and if they could, they would in this country. The casualty figures that could be involved would be everybody’s worst fear.

“We have certainly seen reports of them using it in Syria and Iraq [and] we have certainly seen aspirations for it in Europe.”

Last February an ISIS cell in Morocco were arrested for developing chemical weapons.

Authorities discovered toxic chemicals, biological substances and fertiliser, which when combined can be used to make home-made bombs and a “deadly toxin”.

And the public are being urged to report any suspicious behaviour over fears of “the enemy within”. Mr Wallace said: “There are traitors. We have to be on our guard for the enemy within.

“The insider threat, as we would call it, is real and it can be exploited and there are people trying to do that as we speak.

“If it’s hard to get in the front door, then what you try and do is get someone on the inside.

“If you work in government or someone is asking questions about your business, or if you work in the defence industry and someone is more curious than they should be, report it.

“If you are working in an ­airport and you see odd ­behaviour or bags not being checked, say something.”

The alert comes as it emerged that up to 200 jihadists may have returned to Britain with terrorist intentions – and Mr Wallace warned more are set to enter the UK as ISIS are driven out of its strongholds in the Middle East.

He added: “The big concern is if Mosul collapses and all the other bases of Isis collapse. We know there are a significant number of [Britons] fighting for IS in Syria.

“They will probably want to come home. There will also be those people who wanted to go out there but no longer can get there. Their frustration may boil over.”

London and other major cities worldwide have been on high alert after a spate of terrifying attacks across Europe last year.

Security was stepped up for last night’s New Year’s Eve fireworks display in the capital, with crowds surrounded by police officers and armed cops patrolling the streets and Tube.

In Nice, 86 people celebrating Bastille Day on July 14 were killed and 434 injured when a 19 tonne cargo truck was deliberately driven into crowds.

Just before Christmas last month, on December 19, a lone attacker killed a Polish truck driver and took control of the vehicle before ploughing it into a Christmas market in Berlin.

12 people were killed and 56 were injured by driver Anis Amri, a Tunisian failed asylum seeker who fled the scene but was killed in a shootout with police in Italy four days later.

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It is the secret dream of every Swedish or German woman to marry a black men, or at least have sex with a black man. Every smart young African man should migrate to Europe. Free money, nice house, good sex! ---

Suicidal Pedophile

I'm 19. I'm depressed and suicidal. I've been housebound for over 4 years and have very bad mental health including Autism, Selective mutism, an eating disorder and body dysmorphic disorder.. I've been a pedophile since I was a young child, perhaps age 7 but I'm not quite sure. I was always attracted to other children. mainly boys. I didn't know what sex or sexuality was, I just knew I had these feelings and a couple of times acted on them with friends. I was younger than 10 when it happened, I didn't even know what I was doing. I haven't done anything with children since then. I am devastated that if people only knew I had these feelings they would be likely to ostracise me or hate me.. Is anyone who doesn't know this about me ever truly on my side? Would any friendship I have actually be real? I don't have friendships or socialise with people.. I'm not able to do much in life except eat sleep and watch tv shows.. but I'm now even scared of watching tv shows or movies incase there is a pedophile storyline.. i watched 3 movies in a row and all of them ended up having pedophile storylines.. one of my favourite sci-fi shows went and did a pedophile storyline as a main thing across a whole series.. I used to love watching stand up comedy as it made me laugh and i could be happy.. but now they all do pedo jokes and I hate it.. it just reminds me how hated I would probably be if people knew. I don't want to live any more I even bought some stuff online from a euthanasia company to end my life.. and it's in my room staring at me everyday.. Please don't tell me not to kill myself as it would do more bad than good. Does anyone have any tips on how I can stop focusing on what other people think? I don't look at any illegal material but I do masturbate to legal nudist images and videos. I mainly do this when I've heard something or thought something that makes me feel hated for being the way I am as I find it comforting.. like I'm getting some sort of revenge on the people who make me feel bad for feeling this way. I don't even like masturbation.. I find it annoying and messy. I'd much prefer to be asexual and never even think of sex at all but that can't happen sadly. I just want to be accepted despite my sexual interests.. :(

Hey, glad you found your way here to express your thoughts. Keeping it all inside at all times can just progressively make the world look even worse and more hopeless place than before, which simply fuels these depressive thoughts even more.

Movies and mainstream in general are ignorant about the terminology and use "pedophile" due to its imminent shock value. I just watched CSI and the summary of the episode said it had a "serial pedophile" in it. What on earth is that even? Someone who serially wakes up each day choosing to find kids attractive? Is it a person who feels attracted to children in a weird serial manner? The term they should have used was serial child molester and I knew this, so I simply entertained myself with these thoughts. What I'm trying to say is that when people express their hate toward "pedophiles", whether in the form of jokes or opinions, they mean people who act on their impulses. The idea of a non-offending pedophile never even crosses their mind, because no one has told them about it. The lack completely this concept, which is ironic, since it can be argued most pedophiles are indeed non-offenders. Remember when we read papers we don't read articles about decent pedophiles leading ethical life but we only see news about sex offenders.

I'm not going to insult your intelligence by simply saying the cliche "just don't think about what other people think". I want to make you understand why they think that way. No one can hate "all" pedophiles, since that would be practically impossible given how many of them there are. Rather, they hate inside their head the stereotypical image of a pedophile, which obviously is a child molester or rapist. But you know you are neither. If you were, you certainly wouldn't have written that particular post.

I have told one of my friends I'm a pedophile and he took it extremely well. So yes, people can be on your side, even if they knew about your condition. Besides what you see attractive in the privacy of your own head is none of their business, so don't feel bad about not telling them you are a pedophile. However, If you choose to tell someone make sure he/she is 100% trustworthy. Don't make quick judgements about whom you trust with that secret lest you make a big mistake.

I don't normally offer the 'get help' line as I think it can be counterproductive and lead to people feeling even more isolated (after all, it confirms the desperate feeling of 'I'm broken, I need fixed, I'm defective'). However, once somebody mentions suicide I feel that the 'get help' advice is fitting. Imagine that help as a plaster until the wound has healed enough to be in a better position to help yourself. See a doctor for your suicidal thoughts. You don't have to explain why those thoughts may have come about.

One other thing I would say is that we are much more than just our sexuality. I love little girls, and I always will, but I'm not going to abuse anyone, and I'm no danger to society or to anyone in any way. I am very content with who I am and my sexuality and I wish everyone could feel that relaxed (after all, who is less likely to abuse out of someone who's relaxed about who they are and someone who's distressed). Yes, it's a shame that most people will offer the automatic platitudes when confronted with emotive subjects, but there's only one group of people who can change their minds with exemplary behaviour and watertight morals. People don't know about the specifics of what turns me on, but that doesn't mean they don't love me for me. Some things are simply private.

I really feel that at this stage you should address the suicidal thoughts as a medical issue for the time being, quite apart from whatever may be causing those thoughts. And keep posting here because you're in the right place for understanding and support.

Very much agree with both of the above posts. I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I am not a paedophile myself and I know you sound like a great person, someone I could be friends with...doesn't that tell you something?

The above comments are quite right in saying that, of course your friendships are real. People love you based on who you are, and what they assume you to be (someone who wouldn't harm anyone), and this is exactly who you are. So you aren't 'deceiving' them in any way. Your sexuality is private, so long as you do not act on your thoughts.

I definitely recommend you seek help for your suicidal thoughts and start learning how to accept and like yourself as a person. It's the first step. Best of luck

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